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Life at the Moment | Spiritual musings, life impressions, inspired ramblings
February 20, 2009
THE MYSTERIOUS MOMENT
Berlin, Germany October 26, 2008"I do not know who painted the pictures of my life imprinted on my memory. But whoever he is, he is an artist." Tagore
It's a new day...
It's a new dawn...
It"s a new life...
And, I'm feeling good!Dear Friends,
Life begins again! Does it not feel like a new day, a new dawn, a new life, for you, our country, and our world? The music and lyrics to Nina Simone’s classic “Feeling Good,” still play in my head. I hear it ringing, reverberating, humming, drumming, buzzing through me, just like it did the minute Barack Obama walked on the stage, that fateful night in Chicago to declare his presidential victory. Since then, the world has rejoiced with us as we celebrate a leader we can all have faith in. Indeed, a new day has dawned and constant change is here to stay!
We are in the midst of a mysterious unfolding. On one hand, it’s alarming as the world appears to be spinning out of control. Madness seems to have invaded the human psyche. People are losing their jobs, their homes and their sanity. Arsonists are striking globally and the world is ablaze; the Middle East is perpetually plagued by war; the economic crisis has gone international; climate change may have reached the point of no return; and then, there’s genocide and terrorism, take your pick. Certainly you don’t need me to be to be a bearer of bad news; it’s all around you. Undeniably, we are a world in crisis.
Then, on the other hand, it is very, very exciting because something new is being born. Something new is emerging. Isn’t it amazing to observe how instantly the energy shifted once Obama was inaugurated? There was a new optimism circulating, an encouraging vibe in the air. People were, and some still are, filled with hope. I am cautious, however, not to be unrealistic. Without stating the obvious, one must admit, the task before Obama is nothing less than daunting. The darkness of yesterday has not disappeared. The perils of destruction and war are not over.
Suspend for a moment the obvious, like the economic crisis tinkering on the brink of collapse, unemployment, the uninsured, etc., and consider something else coming our way. Entertain, just for a second, the situation when all the soldiers return from Iraq and Afghanistan. Is it realistic to expect them to suddenly “switch off” the combative survival mode they’ve been operating on for so long? Do we expect them to simply reintegrate into mainstream society without serious problems? Are we even remotely prepared to mange the damaging effects years of war have had on these young men and women? Tell me, whom do you think their targets will be when they can’t deactivate the aggression or disconnect from the war-like mentality? What then?
I’ve witnessed the senseless violence that results when soldiers don’t receive the appropriate treatment after they return from war. I was working in Hawaii’s prison system at the end of the first Gulf War. There were three inmates, soldiers who just returned from the Gulf, who had each committed the most heinous crimes. Three separate cases, each a gruesome murder. In one of my last courses, just before leaving my job in 2006, I had another soldier who stabbed someone in a brawl with his military issued knife, while on leave from Iraq. I experienced him as a well-behaved, smart kid who just didn’t know what to do with his pent up war-like energy. My heart goes out to these men because we’ve trained them to be killing machines and then we expect them to just turn it off. Are we not responsible for these young lives?
Obama has inherited quite a mess. I strongly suspect things will get worse before they get better. I think this is particularly true for America because we’ve been in such deep denial for too long. The consequences of previous choices will inevitably bear its fruit. Unfortunately, there have been so many poor choices. We have decades of deceit, corruption, greed and unscrupulous behavior to confront and contend with. It won’t be easy, but we can no longer afford to turn a blind eye to that which we don’t want to see.
Obviously, I love Barack Obama. I have great faith in him as a leader. He is someone who can navigate his way through this morass and be a beacon of light through a dark time. Together, as a nation and as a world, we can summon the courage to overcome the hurdles ahead. It will require unprecedented commitment and change, because no matter which way you look at it the message is loud and clear: change or die! I wonder what we'll choose?
Fear not! Certain events must play themselves out because their causes were set in motion some time ago. In some cases, the best you can do is find your spiritual center and hold tight. I am reminded of the Goddess Kali, the great destroyer. Her energy destroys what is no longer needed as to make way for that which must be born. She has the power to destroy the ego and defeat demons. Kali is also the life-giver, preserver and liberator. Archetypally, she represents birth, death and rebirth. I strongly sense her energy as fully present and very busy on planet earth right now.
Contrary to popular opinion, I do not think these are bad times. Tough times? Yes. Scary? Sure. Bad? No. That’s a judgment I’m not willing to render. In my heart of hearts I believe these are necessary times. Something inside me says, “We must go through this.” Something has got to wake us up, to make us conscious, to bring us to our knees and to make us re-evaluate and question everything. I am absolutely convinced that we are on the brink of economic collapse because America only seems to listen when it hits them in the pocketbook.
Who can really predict our future? Who really knows what lies ahead? I can tell you this much: We are in a time when anything can happen, and, everything can change in an instant. We can go in any direction and that is entirely dependent upon how we choose to respond to our current affairs.
I wrote in my May 2007 web update:
The illusions that have controlled us for generations are being shattered; the earth is rumbling; the structures that have organized and held us together are crumbling. It’s about time. Security is an illusion. We can either accept this as true or learn the hard way.
That was almost two years ago, and now I’m beginning to seriously wonder if we’ve chosen the hard way. There is no doubt that we have many lessons to learn. One of those lessons being: Security is an illusion! Ladies and gentlemen, repeat after me, "Security is an illusion! Security is an illusion! Security is an illusion!" Security is a spell we've been under for decades. I just pray that as a country we are brave enough to tell the truth about how things really are, and then, conscious enough to do the right thing for everyone concerned, not just the elite few.
Now, on to the grace that will see us through...
The Kahala, Honolulu, Hawaii August 01, 2008
INVOKE THE DIVINE IN '09
According to numerology, the year 2009 offers an opportunity to vibrate at a higher frequency because the numbers reduce to the master number 11 (2+0+0+9). The last time we had an 11-year was 1910, thus, you can see how rare this opportunity really is. Eleven is the number of intuition, illumination and revelation. The odds are in our favor to reach for high ideals, invoke the Divine and evoke enthusiasm. The number 11 resonates with the vibration of spirituality, inspiration, invention, insight, mysticism, poetry, music and art. Idealism runs high this year, and God knows we need it. It is no accident that Barack Obama was sworn in as our president during this auspicious time.
The following is from the Universal Life Tools website:
For the next 12 months… our 2009 vibrational 11 year is being powered by visionary & humanitarian principles of change. Change for the greater good of all.
This change is happening now from the ground up, and we are noticing the effects around us as we witness the breaking down of outmoded authority structures, governments, financial markets and religion. In a Universal 11 year, we have the choice to react to these changes in fear, or actively participate in the re-building of a new society with love. The choices we make this year, in a Universal 11 year have the potential to facilitate great leaps in the collective consciousness of our planet… we are individually & collectively the pioneers of change.
What we will see around the planet during 2009 are more and more people seeking answers to life’s questions, and waking up from the deep sleep or hypnotic trance of illusion. People from all nations, religions, and walks of life will be propelled to speak up, express their truths and seek the truth from those in positions of power.
There is power in the masses, and the Universal 11 year will bring this to the fore.
San Diego, CA, July 08, 2008
THERE ARE TIMES TO TELL YOUR STORY
AND THERE ARE TIMES TO LIVE YOUR STORY
Where does time go? Before you know it, another year has come and gone… in this case, almost two. What can I say? I have had every good intention several times to update this website. When I feel guilty because I haven’t done so, I fondly remember the words of a wise and dear friend, Jeannette Paulson Hereniko. After confessing a couple of years ago that I neglect my writing, she gently reminded me, “Daniel, there are times to tell your story and there are times to live your story. Right now, you’re too busy living your story.” And that, my dear friends, is the God’s honest truth. I am, and have been, so thoroughly engaged in living the rich story unfolding before me.
Here’s a quick synopsis: Just before my relocation to Albuquerque in January 2007, I traveled to 14 countries in 14 months. In that last 20 months, Michael and I decided to make our move to ABQ permanent. He retired from the University of Hawaii, we purchased a home, got married in San Diego, and, amidst all of that, I’ve been commuting between Hawaii and New Mexico to take care of my mother who now has advanced dementia.
When I first moved to Albuquerque my life was calm, peaceful and quiet. My days were spent in contemplative thought and meditation. I was centered and poised. I journaled extensively and spent countless hours going within and assimilating the massive changes occurring in my life. It was the most peaceful I’d been in years. I loved my days of solitude and silence.
While life initially slowed for a brief six months, before I knew it the winds of change began to stir, I spread my wings once again, and life hasn’t stopped since. My mother’s condition required me to fly to Hawaii every 2 to 3 months and spend at least a month at a time as her caregiver. The onset of the disease, then her rapid decline, seemed to demand more than I knew I was capable of. While I am no stranger to chaos, this tumultuous experience is unlike any other. I have no frame of reference from which to draw wisdom or insight since I have never been through anything remotely similar. Everyday, I find myself in a place I’ve never been before. Most days I fight ferociously to ward off the deep pain of grief, and other days I simply surrender.
In the meantime, no matter what’s happening, I have to handle all her affairs, in addition to my own. Never before have I had to bear the burden of making decisions for someone else’s life. It’s hard enough to make all the choices in one’s own life. And when it comes to my mother, more often than not I live in the torment of second-guessing every decision. My own mantra, “trust the moment, trust the process” feels so remotely distant, while doubt feels more like my intimate companion. The reality is that I have no choice but to make a choice, even when I don’t want to. And, paradoxically, I have never felt more guided, more supported, than I do now. If the grace of God has ever been present in my life, it has been through this experience. But, why then, do I still feel so unsettled, so uncertain, so uncomfortable?
As always, the wise words of Alan Clements, another brilliant friend, bring comfort and hope:
Being alive and engaged with all dimensions of reality is an odyssey no one can prepare us for. No amount of training or spiritual practice makes direct experience any less daunting.
Realistic spiritual discovery is an involvement in everything we hoped to avoid. I'm not suggesting that you defensively brace yourself for the crisis to come, or even anticipate torment and pain, but the heart will not genuinely open until all of life's realities are admitted.
Rather than gliding smoothly along, you are likely to struggle, curse, and cry your way down the road of freedom along with the rest of us. No matter how sincere and profound, you will continue to experience periods of suffering until you die. No one is beyond it. No one has completely rid themselves of the inherent tensions and conflicts within the psyche. No one is abiding in an idealistic state of perfect psychological harmony. No one has removed the tormenting emotions of greed, anger, and delusion. The ocean of consciousness is simply too vast and too complex to fully explore and wisely understand during the brevity of a single lifetime.
We are called to live in the sacred space of being full and broken at the same time.
Eventually, I was faced with the excruciating choice between my mother’s life or my own. Becoming her sole caregiver would mean the forfeiture of my life as I know it. Was that something I was willing to do? Was it something that I was even capable of doing? These questions and choices forced me into some very deep soul searching. Suddenly, I was entrenched in a quagmire from which there was little or no escape. As brutal as this may sound, deep within, I knew that I didn’t want to be her caregiver. I knew that it would kill me if I did and I would spend the last years of my mother’s life resenting her.
After tremendous effort and many painstaking months, I finally placed Karen in a care home. I had so many visions of what her life would look like at this point, and I realize she is living out her karma, not mine. She is fulfilling her contract with life, and ultimately I have no power over that, despite my earnest efforts to interfere and influence the outcome.
I continue to discover there is no perfect path, no right formula. There’s just the path I’m on. There are just the choices I make – whether right or wrong, good or bad – only time will reveal. I take a deep breath, a sigh of surrender brings me into present time, and I relax into the moment. In a split second, I am shattered, pulled in a million different directions by the conflicting thoughts that invade my consciousness. I didn’t expect this to happen so quickly and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Every day I wish it could be different, but it isn’t.
The vision of my mother going to bed every night in a room alone in a house full of strangers haunts me. Why does this happen? How does this happen? I have no answers, only questions. Then, slowly, but ever so surely, a moment of grace befalls me and the words of Pema Chodron embrace and cradle me, calming my turbulent thoughts:
As long as we’re caught up in always looking for certainty and happiness, rather than honoring the taste and smell and quality of exactly what is happening, as long as we’re always running away from discomfort, we’re going to be caught in a cycle of unhappiness and disappointment, and we will feel weaker and weaker. This way of seeing helps us to develop inner strength. And what’s especially encouraging is the view that inner strength is available to us at just the moment when we think we’ve hit he bottom, when things are at their worst.
Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace – disappointment in all its many forms – and let it open me?” This is the trick.
These words of wisdom are for all of us. There is a tension in the air that is affecting every single one of us. I see it manifesting in the most casual to the most intimate of relationships. Notice it in yourself and see it in others. Acknowledge what is true then stay with it, allow it, and let it open you. These are intense times we are living through, and, live through it we must.
This is only a glimpse, a tiny fraction, a mere snapshot of what my real journey is like. I am convinced, at every turn, that life has shown me a kinder face because I am willing to allow the full process of my experience. By just permitting the full, unadulterated experience of my humanness – no selectivity, no forcing – I grow and expand immeasurably. I wish the same for you.
The Kahala, Honolulu, Hawaii January 18, 2009
WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
At the close of each year and the beginning of another, it is always useful to take inventory. I offer you the following from Shadow Dance by David Richo. Carve out some time and space for yourself and reflect on the questions that follow. The deeper you go the more potential your answers have for changing your life. Surpass the superficial and allow yourself to examine the depths of your interior. Maybe it’s time to let some things or people go.
On what threshold do I find myself standing right now?
What is behind me?
What is before me?
What are my griefs about what I am leaving?
What are my fears about what I am entering?
Who or what assists me in going on?
Who or what attempts to hold me back?
Full humanity is my destiny and my best and only contribution to the universe. I am richly and enduringly supported in this venture of finding my wholeness and sharing it. My whole being is calibrated for this wonderful project. An inner urgency for wholeness and the giving of it is, and always has been, working in me. My work is only to cooperate in what is already at work within and around me.
I say yes now to all that has been, is, and will be.
This is life at the moment.
Come what may, so be it.
Peace, sweet peace...
Love, Daniel
May 15, 2007
LIFE IS CHANGE
Butterfly Sanctuary, Baguio, Philippines
"Life has a beauty and a joy that transcends all the darkness that surrounds us, that something ineffable lives beyond the ordinary affairs of the day, and that without this mystery our lives would not be worth living." ~Kent Nerburn Small Graces
Dear Friends,
Spring is here and signs of new life are everywhere. Color is blooming and winter has left. I am looking through my office window onto the park a few feet away. The grass is green, the sky is blue and the trees have sprouted new leaves. It's a far cry from the snow I arrived to in January. All of life, for me, is fresh and new. My relocation to Albuquerque, New Mexico has been surprisingly easy and simple. I love the change. I absolutely love it!
Thank God, for the opportunity of new beginnings, fresh starts, and the ability to break free from perceptions that keep us bound to narrow mindsets and old behaviors. Thank God, for new people who enter our lives and inspire us to explore different parts of ourselves. I've discovered that one of the most cherished gifts we can offer each other is the space and encouragement to be brand new. We all have parts of ourselves that we must die to in order to give birth to the unknown aspects of who we can be. Here's a question: How many people do you hold prisoner to perceptions that you are unwilling to release?
ALL THINGS MUST PASS AWAY
Letting go is one of the most difficult lessons we all have to learn. It's not something we do once or twice, and then we're exempt from it thereafter. Rather, it's a lesson that re-emerges every time we are faced with change and transition. There's just no way around it. I think about how afraid we are of change and everything we do in our lives to prevent it. I think about how scary those first moments are when we actually have to step out into the unknown and leave behind everything that represents security and stability. I am reminded of how comforting familiarity can be. And then, in the very next moment, I am reminded that the people, places and things that represent safety and protection, can sometimes be, the very things that keep us stuck in patterns that inhibit our growth.
Munster, Germany
Suddenly the wonderful quote by Anais Nin takes on new meaning:
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
There comes a time, maybe more than just once, when it's time to pick up our bed and walk. There comes a time in all our lives, definitely more than just once, when we are prompted to change, to leave, to move, to say "good-bye", to become more than we are, to give more than we're giving, to risk more than we're risking. There comes a time when the price we pay for not doing what we need to do is too high. At some point, we just have to take a risk because it just hurts too much not to.
I humbly respect the faint ache in my heart for all the things that have recently passed away, and, at the same time, I realize that the ache I feel is infinitesimal compared to the enthusiasm I experience everyday for the new and unknown that is finding its way into my life.
This winter I read such a wonderful book by Eve Ensler (author of The Vagina Monologues) called Insecure At Last. She is brilliant at illuminating difficult truths that are challenging to confront, while prompting us to cultivate the best of our humanity. I found her words most comforting, recently, as I moved through one transition after another. She writes:
Is it possible to live surrendering to the reality of insecurity, embracing it, allowing it to open us and transform us and be our teacher? What would we need in order to stop panicking, clinging, consuming, and start opening, giving - becoming more ourselves the less secure we realize we actually are?
We have been so indoctrinated with physical safety and security that we forgo lives that could be so much more rewarding because we're unwilling to risk being insecure.
We work effortlessly at attempting to predict and secure our futures and, as a result, have strangled the mystery out of life. We've become so obsessed with predictability and liability that no one takes risks anymore. People are paralyzed because everybody wants a guarantee - and guess what - I'm not the first one to tell you, there are no guarantees! Travel beyond the borders of your own comfort, security, and familiarity. Besides, when life becomes too predictable, routine and consistent, you know you're headed for stagnation. I kept the following quote by Roger Miller on my refrigerator - it inspired me for years:
"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet!"
Get out and risk your safety. Trust me, it's not that bad. The illusions that have controlled us for generations are being shattered; the earth is rumbling; the structures that have organized and held us together are crumbling. It's about time. Security is an illusion. We can either accept this as true or learn the hard way.
THE BODY NEVER LIES
A little over a year ago, after an intense and rather revealing session of bodywork, I realized that I was being smothered by the life I had created for myself. It was interesting, I did not feel smothered by life itself, but rather, trapped by my own self-created identities, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to escape it. By that time, I had been working in prisons for 14 years, and while that work has been some of the most rewarding work I have ever done, what I didn't realize was, that I was using it as a place to hide out. I didn't want to admit my own discontent, restlessness and longing, which are all signs that change is on the way. The life I had constructed for myself, for various reasons, had become, in a very real way, it's own sort of prison.
My body was screaming, telling me that I needed to take drastic measures to break free of some very deeply entrenched patterns. It was painfully evident that I need to initiate new cycles of change - not small changes - but rather, major life changes. Knowing that the body is an intuitive system through which guidance enters my life; I took heed. Everything around me and within me was telling me it was time for change and liberation.
At that moment, I invited sweeping change into my life. I remember, as if it were yesterday, declaring to God that I wanted the winds of change to blow through my life and reorganize everything. Every cell and atom in my body aligned with the energetic forces that animate me - my spirit, mind, heart and will - and an intention was so clearly, so deliberately declared, that I knew life would never be the same.
The universe responded. God heard my prayer, and, like all prayers, it was answered. Not necessarily answered in the fashion I would have preferred, but answered nonetheless. A door opened. Michael, my partner, was offered a job in Albuquerque, New Mexico. While I could easily come up with a list of at least five places I would be happy to move to, Albuquerque was definitely not one of them. And, with all the places I've been in the world, I had never been to New Mexico.
All I could hear in my head was a voice saying, "You wanted drastic change...so, here it is!" I have to tell you, honestly, that I was not crazy about Albuquerque, not at all. But, I couldn't ignore the fact that the universe doesn't make mistakes and I don't believe in coincidences. We had to make a choice. Did I have the guts to follow through? Was I willing to move somewhere I had never even been? Was I crazy to leave a beautiful home in one of the most magical places on the planet? Was I insane to quit a job that I invested 14 years in and which afforded me a good living? How would it feel to say "good-bye" to a lifetime of family and friends? Could I handle the high desert? Were we absolutely crazy to forfeit three significant raises over the next three years that Michael was due in his position?
The voice of reason and logic stepped in. There was no logical reason to leave, and, as far as negotiations went, when all was said and done, it even appeared that it might be wise to remain in Hawaii. Then, the voice of Caroline Myss echoed through my mind: "When making a choice, always choose what requires the most faith." Remaining in Hawaii required no faith whatsoever. We both knew we had to take a leap of faith and follow through what our souls were communicating to us. We had to make a soul choice, not a material one. It was time to let go and move forward.
San Diego Sunset
LIFE IS ABOUT EXPANDING INTO THE UNKNOWN AND EXPLORING THE MYSTERIES THAT SURROUND US.
Never, in a million years, did I ever think or imagine that I would be living in Albuquerque, New Mexico. But, here I am; quite happy, I might add. What I didn't know then, but certainly know now, is when I invited sweeping change to into my life, I simultaneously invoked Divine Chaos. It was an open invitation for the hand of God to reorder everything in my life. When that happens - beware - you don't know what's going to happen!
We do know intuitively, however, when something is up. I'm not the only one going through these major life changes; a lot of people I know are experiencing the same. Change is in the air...it's all around us! We're being called to make different choices; choices that will change the direction of our lives; choices that will force us to re-evaluate who we are, relinquish relationships to people, places and things, and re-establish ourselves in new locations; choices that will ignite new creative energies within and around us. We can't make new choices, however, and have our lives look and feel the same. It's impossible! I'l be the first to admit that it is scary, uncomfortable and aggravatingly inconvenient sometimes, and, it is also wildly invigorating, immensely liberating and, terrifically beneficial!
Manchester, UK
There are teachers, guides and visionaires along the path that lead the way into the heart of the Divine. Caroline Myss is one of those people. Her new book Entering the Castle is a spiritual masterpiece. I find it to be her most fluid writing to date. It is a guidebook to develop soul intimacy and lead you right into the heart of God. This book is a soul companion for me at the moment. Here's what she has to say about Divine Chaos:
"To a mystic, chaos is an organic expression of the divine. The ancients believed that omens and visions emerged from chaos. Divine chaos cannot be stopped, manipulated, postponed, or bargained with. It is an impersonal yet very intimate force of seduction. It sweeps into your life, taking charge of your life path and redirecting you according to its own plan - not yours. You can perceive chaotic changes as cruel, unfair, or undeserved, or you can perceive them as benevolent since chaos can bring death and life, endings and beginnings."
It's funny, for years my favorite cologne was Chaos by Donna Karan. Perhaps, even then, I unconsciously knew the alchemy and divine potential of chaos. One of my favorite quotes my Nietzche is:
"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a
dancing star."
So here's to Divine chaos! May Divine chaos sweep through you renovating your interior. May its alchemical power permeate the density of your life and lift you into the heart of the divine. May it ignite passions in you that lay dormant.
Here's the way I look at it:
Change is inevitable, unavoidable, and imminent. When it comes knocking at your door, if you don't cooperate, it's going to hurt! The best you can do is read the signs along the way and ease into the transitions that are on their way to you. We are all in for it, friends, every single one of us, the time has come for deep, profound personal and global change.
This is a good thing.
Intense change demands that we access something greater than ourselves. So reach upward and inward and connect with your deepest spiritual source. The only thing you have to stabilize and ground you is your spiritual foundation. Here are more words of wisdom that I have held very close to me from my beloved Caroline Myss:
"Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness."
Let go of the way things are and create space for the unknown to emerge. All things must pass away...let it go. Have gratitude for everything that has occurred - everything - and know that it is serving the divine evolution of your soul.
This is my life at the moment...radically different, increasingly peaceful, and alive with possibility!
Life is moving right along, and so are we...
Love, Daniel
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